10 stupid things done by managers

 

1.       Hire your mom; make sure she gets a really good position. Pay her with minimum 50% more than the other employees on equivalent position. Family comes first!

2.       Recruit a key employee (deputy director, top manager) and promise him a salary raise of 50% after 3 months. Delay him for 2 years, by avoiding him or changing continuously the subject. Arrange a 1 to 1 meeting and ask him why he is not motivated. My staff loves me!

3.       Promise to your employees a bonus based on performance level X. The Company arrives to the performance level X.  Forget about the bonus, summon all people to a big meeting and thank them for their performance. Make sure you don’t have life insurance. People, our number 1 priority!

4.       Hire an assistant manager based on boobs rating. Promote her as a top manager/director. Give her unlimited power. Make sure she will lead the most experience people in the company, and encourage her to be loud. Don’t interfere if she starts humiliating the employees. She is just tough. Image is everything, IQ is nothing!

5.       Make superficial interviews. Hire/ Promote stupid managers. Make sure you pay those 300% more than the old employees. Humiliate your old team in front of them. New blood, better results!

6.       Change weekly the company strategy, software systems and procedures. Make sure that nobody is informed and spend millions of euros doing it. Change is progress!

7.       Delegate a task to all managers simultaneously. Maybe,somebody will do it in the end. All for one, and one for all!

8.       Make long meetings. Start from 10 hours a meeting and increase. Make sure you have no meeting agenda and no meeting minutes after that. Forbid for all participants to go to toilet or speak. Prepare long presentations, 100 of slides or more to describe why the numbers are wrong and you are perfect. Speak 10 minutes per slide.Longer meetings, smarter managers!

9.       Bullshit your customer continuously. If they find out, just send them some wine bottles. Everything will be ok. We provide excellence to all our customers, continuously!

10.   If your numbers don’t show performance, change the numbers. The numbers are wrong, you are perfect, at least this is what you mother said (after you give her the job). Excellence doesn’t need to be measured!